Thank you for your letter. It often involves a topic that has potent but conflicting meanings for the people involved. A classic, somewhat stereotypical example is the guy who is a fanatic for his home team and MUST watch the game. His spouse or partner, I use the words interchangeably here may roll her or his eyes or argue or whatnot; clearly, each person sees the activity or event differently.
Alcohol is symbolically loaded no pun intended for many who have complicated histories with drinking and corollary activity. I find that couples often find such answers organically once their heart-centered listening is in place. It sounds like she really values her connection with you a wonderful thing and gets anxious about whatever this activity symbolizes for her.
Perhaps her dad was a womanizer, or ignored her mom by hanging with his buddies at the pub … and so on. Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a good book on this, by the way. I would also encourage her to listen to you and what these evenings mean for you.
It sounds like this has become a necessity for you, and that raises my curiosity. What is it about this activity that feels essential versus, say, a round of golf or a movie?
Maybe you had a controlling ex-partner, or maybe you saw your father controlled by your mom, which created marital strife, or maybe you believe your wife is overreacting or patronizing. Often, requests, needs, or feelings are either stated or misinterpreted as demands.
Perhaps she feels excluded while you feel controlled and perhaps criticized. My hope is that after you share your feelings, you find an activity together. Maybe your wife could you for a round one of those nights; maybe you could have people over to your house to watch the game. The guys can watch the game while the gals either in or do something else.
Or have a weekly barbecue. Something inclusive. Hope that helps! Thanks for writing! Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. I have been through the same thing man. My wife got mad because she thought that I felt like I could not come to her when I was having issues away from work, when I just Any lonely wifes in need of c k some time to myself.
If she would just let me mellow out a little then I would be better. We compromised in that now I can stip in somewhere for a drink a couple of nights a week but then there are other times when I make it a priority to go straight home. It works for us because I think that this way we both feel like we have some say so and both are getting what we need.
It sounds like the two of you have some things in your marriage that you need to have sorted out. I understand that you have been at work all day and that you feel a little stressed and crazed and just want some down time, but what about her? You have to look at collectively what is good for the marriage and not just what is going to feel good to you at the time. It would be interesting to know how old the kids are and what the work split on taking care of the kids, housework, dinner, etc. Do you mean there should be no share in looking after the children if she is stay at home???
This is very harsh. I have done both working mum and stay at home and yes, working mum is frigging exhausting but so is stay at home. Unless the kids are at school all day its a full time job raising babies and can be very isolating indeed- lets not be so quick to jump into such heavily laden gender steriotypes- everyone needs a break, everyone needs work life balance and everyone needs the support or their partner during the working week whether that means supportively giving them space, date nights or coming home and doing bathtime. Is It always meant for the care.
If a man got married is that means he will always have to work? Taking care o children and house works are not meant to do or 24 hours. I think making things easy or the other is the main concern of a relationship.
Working mothers: how much working, how much mothers, and where is the womanhood?
Please tell me the best. Home mom. Sometimes my husband does not get home til am.
Yeah, this was always his excuse that he just needed some time to himself but that kind of time did nothing for us in the end. It felt good while he was gone and terrible when he would come back home. It made you wish that he would just keep all that time and all that drinking and find another hobby but of course that never happened.
You might think that this is a good idea for you but take a step back for a minute and look at what it is doing to the family. Which would be for her to tll you to stay gone as long as you like?
Search our blog
You have to know that she is not being unreasonable and think about it from her perspective. What would help you to go home to your wife and children instead of stopping off at the pub?
Look at the flip side- what if she wanted you to stay gone all the time? How would that make you feel?
Must be kind of hurtful for her to have to be feeling that and not feeling like she is getting anything back from you. Hey, I understand having a bad day and wanting to hang out with the guys, but there is also that commitment to family that you need to have and I think that you are forgetting about the fact that they need you too. From the point of view of a woman: I just hear selfishness. I was a stay at home mom to two close-in-age boys. I had two little guys in diapers at the same time. I could not WAIT for my husband to come home from work. I was exhausted at the end of the day.
I needed adult company, another pair of hands, and the love and encouragement of my husband. Happily, my husband could not wait to get home to me either! That is the crux of this issue.
The wife wants her husband to be eager to get home to her and his children. She wants him to unwind WITH her, not away from her. This husband seems to be saying, I cannot come home to you because you and the kids add to my stress, you do not ease my stress. I understand her feelings of rejection.
It is rejection. He has to be fueled with alcohol before he comes home!? Women want a man to beat a path to her door, even though she is a wife and mother, just like he did when they were still dating! And when he comes in he will find something to do, the little thing. Im ready to leave cause I feel like this, if he is not in a hurry to see you then he sees you as a burden.
The more you harass him, the more he is going to feel like he needs an escape. I know exactly how you feel. I have the same problem… My job is extremely stressful during the day and I bring back work I have to do at home. When at home, my wife counts on me to spend some time with our .
This I happily do as I love being a dad! If I do happen to get a day off from work, she decides we should spend it together. Meaning going shopping and visiting HER family. I have one night each week that I decided I want to spend with my friends. Basically, the last couple of weeks, my life has literally been: Wake up way too early, work at work, work at home, work at home for work, go to bed way too late.
Talk to her and tell her how you feel and why you need that time-out from stress.
Keep turning it back around. However, the truth, boldness, and accuracy in which you told it your story will resonates with a lot of men. Guys that want to learn about women should listen to the advice of women and by contrast the same is true about gals looking to learn about men.